The following article was written by Bob Cholette and was published by Messenger-Post Newspapers in Rochester, NY.

Taking the Plunge

You may not have noticed, but hell froze over on August 28, 2002.

No, I'm not talking about the end of Curt Smith's irrepressible nostalgia for the Reagan Administration - that hasn't actually happened yet. I'm referring to an even more momentous, reality-altering event in my own personal life: I got engaged. Though I am not unmoved by the shrieks of protest from my vast assemblage of would-be paramours, I must make this announcement. After 14 years of courtship, cohabitation, and matrimonial evasion, I've finally asked for the hand of my long-suffering girlfriend, Beth.

You heard me right-14 years. That's, like, 3 1/2 Civil Wars (Beth probably wouldn't appreciate the analogy, but I'm just trying to provide a frame of reference).
When we first started dating, the Soviet Union was still intact, nobody heard of the Internet, and the Red Wings weren't horrendous. That's how long it's been. I was 20 years old; I couldn't even buy beer - I mean, legally.

Now I'm a semi-respectable member of society. I've gone from Bob Marley to Bob Vila. And Beth's been with me every step of that terribly depressing journey.
Given such an extensive history, many friends, family members, reluctant in-laws, direct-mail advertisers, and other interested persons have asked a single, burning question: Why?
Why choose marriage now, after all this time? Before I can offer an adequate answer, I must initially address the three predominant theories:

#1 The Cave Theory
This has nothing to do with Plato or Osama bin Laden. The Cave Theory posits that I must have given in to the relentless cajoling of an impatient girlfriend. This theory is the easiest to dismiss. First of all, Beth is obviously quite patient. And if I can resist union forces longer than Robert E. Lee, I think my fortitude should be beyond reproach.

#2 The Lemming Theory
The Lemming Theory opines that I must have blindly followed the multitude in my age group over the steep cliff of betrothal so as not to be left behind. It is true that married people have an annoying habit of trying to convince otherwise blissful singles to join their ranks (at least before the first wave of divorces kicks in). But-this may shock you-I'm not exactly a conformist, so peer pressure has little effect on me.

#3 The Clinton Theory
This one is the most diabolical of them all. The Clinton Theory speculates that I must be attempting to legitimize my outwardly-suspect relationship in order to facilitate an entry into politics. Adherents of such an unlikely explanation evidently have no idea how thoroughly I've already crippled my political career in this very column. It should suffice to say that, as far as getting elected goes, my personal life is the least of my problems.
So what, then, is the real reason for my decision?

It's honestly just that, after years of being baffled by the institution of marriage, I think I finally get it. Being unmarried used to seem cool. I lived in a nice house with an attractive woman who liked baseball and "The Simpsons," unburdened by the onerous dictates of social convention.

A few of my less perceptive buddies looked at me with sly admiration, as if I was living in some kind of bachelor paradise. I neglected to tell them about the Friday nights at Wegmans, calling home when I was late, or having to help pick out window treatments for the dining room.

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" goes the old saying. But when you've spent an endless hour waiting for your girlfriend to finish trying on outfits in Lord & Taylor, you've paid for it, man. You've paid.

That's the point. I'm already more married than most married people I know. And it's okay; it feels right.

All that's missing is the only thing I have left to give - a public declaration that, yes, this is the woman with whom I'd like to spend the rest of my life.

It's coming a little late, I realize. But I figure, after 14 years, we're off to a pretty good start.