i should start talking again.

i've been quiet for a couple days because initially i thought i was doing better. self-medicating i guess would be the word for it, except not in the sarcastic sense of drinking untill i can't think. as the last post says i had a panic attack. during that i picked up the herbal book and opened it up on my bed to the section on nervous disorders. the next day i went to the healthfood store and got tinctures for things that act as antidepressants - lemon balm and damiana - and a tea that contains quite a few herbs that have calming effects. the first time i took them all together i genuinely felt good. my eye stopped pulsing, i was more talkitave, and i actually felt like doing some things. i want to believe that it was all of these herbs that actually did something, but my ever present pesimism also makes me attribute it to the placebo effect. that latter part is aslo supported by the fact that yesterday i had another panic attack. this time i really couldn't function when it was happening. in the beginning of it i wrote down a few things about how i felt so that if i ever do get around to telling my parents about it and get to go to a doctor i'll be able to tell them exactly what it is. every successive attack is getting worse. they used to be much milder - the basic feeling that my heart was beating much too fast and that it might explode and that everything was absolutely wrong. now they are starting to get worse. besides how my heart felt this time i was also slightly neausus and light headed. i was distracted, as though i was looking through they eyes of someone else. it felt like all of my motions were hurried even though i was making a consious effort to move slowly. besides all of that i was very anxious. i had to lie down in my bed because i couldn't even go out into the common room. i havent really done a good job of describing it with any emotion so you can't really know how it feels, but i assure you its terrible.

i don't know whats wrong and obviously what i'm doing isn't doing a lot of help since it only took two days for me to have another attack. i wish they would stop, but hey it's better than feeling nothing i guess.

other than that i guess i'm ok. i don't know. when i'm in a good mood i can see that this is good, but i'm almost never in a good mood so it hard to say how i really feel.

i've given my xmas list to my parents. there isn't anything of substance on it. none of it means anything which is kinda dissapointing - read: depressing. i'm getting new shoes - red stripped addidas this time, again skate shoes - i'm also getting new headphones. i had found ones that looked cool, but they didn't have great sound which when it comes down to it that is all that really matters with headphones so i found other ones that, while not looking that cool really, have better sound quality and are quite comfy. other than those two things i'm just asking for some pointless computer shit that is empty in every way possible. it would be nice if i knew of better things to ask for, but i don't so oh well.

i figured out my exam schedule - right before the attack yesterday coincidentally. it really is terrible. my most difficult exam is in the first possible exam slot on teh first possible day, which gives me about no time at all to study for it. then i skip a day to friday the 18th. that day i have my next two difficult tests: ecology and calculus - i didn't withdraw by the way. then i have to stay here that entire weekend and the monday until tuesday the 22nd when i have my two easiest tests that i will probably walk out of 30 minutes in for both and not study for either. that, i think, is completly backwards and fucked up. they know what classes they are giving to what time slot when they make the test schedule so it really must be a complete sadist who makes it. it really is as if they want us to do poorly on the classes that matter. whatever, that's how it is so that's how it is. i also looked uup my exam schedule for next semester and it's exaclty the same - i have to stay the entire exam week and my hardest tests are first and the easiest last.

if anyone really knew me, really knew me for who i really was and how i really feel, they would get me some perscription fucking tranquilizers for christmass, but i guess that isn't ever really going to happen.

i just downed some tea with quite a bit of the herbs in it. it does calm me - if only for 10 minutes or so. if that's all i get, then that's all i get i guess.

by the way: i know you don't like ska, but i think you should hear it anyway so i've upped that along with the smashing pumpkins and this pre-punk band of the Oi genera of music that you should also listen to. you'll probably only like the pumpkins as that is all that would fit into what i gather is your preferred music. hope you enjoy.

http://depositfiles.com/files/podufhdca

I just had another panic attack. they've been coming more and more often recently. i think i got them once or twice when i was a kid, but i never knew what was happening then. During them i feel like my heart is going to explode and that everything is completly wrong - more so than usual. I don't know what's wrong, but something for sure is because this is really bad.

i imagine that what happened today could be seen as funny to an outside observer. it was so amazingly pitiful. from the start it was all completly wrong. i arrived early by about five minutes and sat down with an uncooked peanut butter brownie. after eating half of that it was about 12:14. i threw what was left away and went outside to wait. then at 12:18 you called and told me that you woke up late and were going to be late.

i didn't know that this meeting meant that much to you or i guess i would have done the same.

i realize that may hurt. i hope it does.

i waited thirty minutes out there thinking of what i could say to you or what i should say to you. what a joke. you arrived and came to my table. i wasnt crying then. i wasn't happy or sad. for fucks sake i wasn't even fucking mad. i was just completly fucking neutral. you preceeded to blurt out something along the lines of "nothing i can say can explain this" or something to the same effect. i think you said some other things, but none of it mattered, or for that matter was any type of coherent thought. don't get me wrong here i didn't say anything either the whole time. i just sat there and looked at you with that stupid fucking neutral face on. i didn't say anything. that isn't because i didn't have anything to say - because i do - it's because i cant fucking function around other people. it is completly fucking ridiculous. i didn't wait for you to explain why you were breaking up with me. i didn't wait for any type of conversation or any type of talk about anything that we needed or should have talked about. i just got up, hugged you for what i imagine is the last time, and walked away.

last time you did this to me i didn't stop crying for more than an hour and then was functionless for more than a day. i guess it gets easier with repetition. i guess there is just less and less of me for you destroy. as i was walking away i did cry. i don't know why specifically, but i did. the only way i imagine i'm getting throught this at all is by not thinking about it so writing about it isn't exactly the easiest thing i can be doing right now.

I've asked already, but i'll ask again. Why now? Why this time? I guess for that matter, why last time? i Guess you never really told me that then. I hate myself enough to make up any number of reasons why we shouldn't be together, but i would really like it if you could tell me why from your point of view. This i guess leads me convienetly to my next two questions.

Happy Fucking Thanksgiving.

i guess it's about time to start this piece of shit opinion piece rolling again as i think it's about to happen again.

i'm shocked. not in a good way. my body is shaking and i really only have one thought bouncing around up in my head right now: I hate you.

i hate you. this isn't something that i've thought about for a while and is just coming to me now. it's not something that i even chose to feel. it just is what i'm feeling.

i think i know why. i think its because deep down my brain knows that if i fall the same distance that i fell last time from where i am now, i wont be long for this earth.

that's not a threat. i am depressed. i don't know why and i sure as hell cant talk to anyone about it. not my parents; they wouldn't understand because, well, i don't really understand. not a shrink; that would require talking to my parents. not my friends; i probably do have them, but none are good enough, none are close enough for me to actually unload any type of burden on. not my brother; he's probably the best friend that i have, but i have no idea how on earth he would help me. and i guess not you.

not you. somehow, with a few exceptions, i was never able to really talk to you. i think i tried. i hope i tried. i just think i never did. the only times we ever really shared, ever really expressed anything other than guarded emptyness was last summer under the stars on the airstrip.

it's sad, it's fucked up, but it's true. i can't be mad at you for this. i am emotionally crippled. maybe you are too, i don't know, but i guess it doesn't really matter at all.

i don't get it. i don't feel anything and i fucking hate it. i don't understand why. i just don't. you know i wish i did, but i sure as hell don't. i can't engage socially. i can ocationally keep a convorsation going - not in this past week - but in general i can only watch on as everything in my life slowly melts away. anything good about it isn't important at all. i'm mediocre at best at school. i don't have any real skill to speak of in terms of everything else. the only real emotional enjoyment i get is out of watching fucking tv shows. how empty is that? i mean do i really hate myself so fucking much that i have to burry myself in the lives of scripted people? it seems i have no personality. i am this worthless shell of a person who really cannot interact.

there wasn't anything real about this second run was there? it isn't really a question, but i guess more of a statement of resigned fact. the moments we shared at the airstrip were some of the best that i can recall, but overall this wasn't a relationship, at least not any type of functioning one. thinking back i would have to say that out of this entire second chance the only part that was real, the only part that actually meant anything was that one moment right at the beginning. i meant it when i said that i loved you right then on the ground right before we drunkenly drove off in different directions. that moment on the ground there was real - more real than a lot of my life i guess.

i can't be mad. i stole some of the best years of your life. we shared them wholly dysfunctionally and don't really have anything to show for it. you could have been having a better time and i, well i probably would have followed this same downhill path of sanity only more likely at a faster rate. yeah we're over, but i guess we have been over for a long while.

i'm not going to fight for you this time. i understand. i understand that i can't actually be what you want or need because, well, i can't be what i want or need.

yeah it's pitiful and yeah i'm giving up. i really just don't see any other solution to this. it is cruel enough as it is that i've kept you this long. who knows, maybe we will both work our shit out and much later down the road we'll be ready for what this should have been. however much i hate the reality of the situation, it's clear that it can't be anything now.